I feel the need to blog

Anger

throwingsocks — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 01:07:52 +0000

I am 33 today and all I feel is angry and sad.
I must be stressed… I have so much anger built up inside of me that i didn’t even realize it til just now where i was just screaming and punching the crap out of our makeshift punching bag (a pillowcase filled with sand) in the backyard. Thankfully that was when my husband stepped in and had me come in and take a much needed break while he watched the kids. I’ve actually been punching things around the house for the past couple of days… the bed, towels, the wall (that one really hurt). I’ve just been too wound up to realize how much i need to relieve my stress and anger.
I’ve been reading my celebrity gossip magazines, my twilight series, and going to bed early as a way to escape but I guess that just hasn’t been enough these days. I thought things would be smooth sailing with my oldest starting kindergarten and my middle child starting preschool but those few hours when they are all home together until bedtime is like a battle zone. So much crying, whining, fighting, complaining… and then add me to the mix is just not pretty.
My life since I became a stay at home has become a supporting role. I support my kids in their school stuff, their activites, their everyday stuff. And I support (not financially) my husband in his job, even more so since he started his own company. I know a lot of moms have suggested that I find something for myself but honestly what I want is some long extended period of rest.
It’s strange but honestly I feel like since I broke my fast last week things have just gotten that much harder. Maybe it’s some kind of spiritual warfare, or maybe I really did not do a good job when breaking my fast and life just took over way too easily again.
Maybe it is just that my monthly friend will be coming to visit me in a couple of days according to iPeriod (very helpful app and it is super accurate to the day for me) and I am emotional.
As in all things I know that this season will soon pass and we will all adjust and figure out our rhythms in this household. In the meantime, God help me.

He wants a dog

throwingsocks — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 22:26:46 +0000

Ever since my son watched the movie Bolt a couple months back he has been asking us to get him a dog. Every now and then he will still bring up about how much he would really like to have a dog. My husband comes from a family of dog lovers so I think eventually we will probably end up getting one but I’m really not that keen on it. No matter how old the kids get I have a feeling at the end of the day it will be me taking the dog out to pee, picking up after he’s pooped, giving him a bath, etc.
The other day we were at the mall trying to kill some time, blow off some steam and just shake off this general feeling of restlessness and unhappiness that was following us around. There is a pet store at the mall and after lunch the kids wanted to go check out the dogs there. So we headed over there and to our luck they let out a couple puppies to run around the floor of the store and play with the customers. I saw the kids smiles brighten and faces light up as they chased the puppies around the store, petted them, and threw some doggie treats at them. It was then that I could really see just how much having a dog can help brighten a kid’s mood and be their best friend and be a source of comfort. It was one of those ‘this is what being a kid is all about’ moments and I was almost in tears watching them (yes, a bit emotional that day). The look on the kids faces was pure joy as they played around with the puppies.
It almost made me want to get a dog… until I thought about it scratching the furniture, chewing up our house, and barking at all hours of the night. Yeah, getting a dog can wait… for now we will just visit the pet store.

Venturing out again

throwingsocks — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 07:13:48 +0000

Since K was born last December it has been a long time since I have ventured out with the three kids besides the local parks, malls, and libraries. Especially since we have a yard it’s even harder to get out of the house than before. Before K was born I used to take them to all different kinds of museums, the zoo, water play areas, and other random places.
But yesterday, the morning was off to a bad start with the kids and I decided we really needed an adventure to lift all our spirits. And I was finally feeling like I was ready to take them out again. C was looking at a picture of her and her brother looking at fish that morning and so it was decided that we would head over to the aquarium in San Pedro. After K woke up from her morning nap and I had packed lunch, figured out directions, and everyone peed it was time to head out. It was rainy and cold but we all really needed to get out of the house. Once we were on our way and the kids were listening to their favorite Jay Chou song (yes, our kids are a little fobby thanks to my husband) on repeat everybody was already in a good mood.
For those that know me I am not a big fan of aquariums and just the underwater world in general. I just feel uncomfortable looking at these abnormally large fish and other weird sea creatures and have this slight paranoia that the glass might break (must’ve watched Jaws at too early of an age in my childhood).
But when we got to the aquarium it was probably one of the most fun days all of us have had in a long time. We’ve never been to this one before so the kids were fascinated with everything and it was a very manageable aquarium for all of us. They were loud, they were chatty, we all learned a lot, and they even had a lot of fun eating lunch in the minivan because all the outdoor seating was wet. And to top it off, at the end of our time at the museum we were in an exploratory lab for kids and even though we weren’t supposed to touch any of the creatures the lady was super nice cause there was no one there on a rainy day that she let the kids touch everything and taught the kids so much about everything they saw and touched.
The kids were happy, I was happy that the kids were happy, and on the ride home the kids fell asleep and I got some peace and quiet too.
I know my time is short to do things like these with all three because J will be starting kindergarten next year and be in school everyday. Although it’s been a long time coming I felt proud of myself to finally being up for taking the kids out on new adventures again.

Season of rest

throwingsocks — Fri, 08 Oct 2010 19:08:46 +0000

The summer is over and though summer is usually associated with long, lazy days it has not felt like that in this household. The year is flying by but it has been a tiring, busy, and hard year.
My youngest daughter, K, is already 9 months and yet I still feel like I’m adjusting to being a family of five. She is in fact a very easygoing baby so I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time taking care of all 3 kids at home. Maybe it is because they are all so close in age and all still fairly young. Or maybe my expectations of being capable and on top of taking care of all three were too high.
M has also been extremely busy and stressed at work this year. Many nights he doesn’t get home til after the kids are in bed and then hops on a call later on at night at home. Not to mention all the traveling he has done this year. For the last 3-5 years he did almost no traveling and this year he has had to travel every 2-3 months for 2 weeks at a time. I’m sure there are many husbands that work longer hours and travel much more but it has been a big change for me. And the effects have all trickled into our family life.
We also decided to remodel our bathrooms this summer. Admittedly, this is a stress that was self-imposed and I researched and obsessed over every detail. Thankfully it is finally done and I love our new bathrooms.
I’m a little sad that the summer has come and gone and have a slight regret/fear that this is the summer that our kids might remember it as mommy and daddy being tired and busy.
But now that we are entering the last quarter of 2010 and a new school year (although that doesn’t really apply to anyone in our household) I feel like now is the time for us to enter our season of rest. We have recently decided to step down as coaches in our small groups ministry. When people ask us what are our reasons for stepping down we don’t have any super spiritual answer or anything… just that we want to rest. And I feel good about it and no pressure to hurry up and get involved in any new ministries yet.
I hope maybe M and I can focus a little more on our marriage as I feel like when things get busy and stressful in our life the thing that tends to fall in priorities and is hit the hardest is our marriage. When M is not hard at work, or after we have meetings to attend and people to meet up with, not to mention spending time with the kids and having family time… what time is leftover after that before sleep… well, there isn’t too much.
With all the holidays and family right around the corner things will probably pick up and get busy but I’m hoping to be a little more purposeful in finding rest and reconnecting with M again.

Too much caffeine

throwingsocks — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 04:29:35 +0000

So K, my third kid, is 3 months old now. For the most part she is an extremely easy baby. She eats well, poops well, is constantly being pulled at or smothered by her older siblings with no complaints, and just lays around and does not need to be held at all during the day except when she is hungry or tired. I’m very thankful for her easy going nature.

The one thing that she does have problems with though is napping during the day. I know I shouldn’t complain because she actually sleeps very well at night. Starting around 2 months she was already starting to sleep 7-8 hours a stretch. But during the day she just doesn’t seem to stay asleep for longer than 30-40 minutes at a time. That just seems like too short of a nap.

Then I started to wonder if it was because of my drinking so much caffeine during the day that keeps her up during the day. Since she’s such an easy baby and sleeps well at night I couldn’t help but think… maybe she’s sensitive to caffeine in the breastmilk. Since she’s been born my caffeine intake has gone waaaay up.

When I was pregnant with J, I would drink a cup of milk and add just a tablespoon of coffee in there for the taste of it. And after he was born, I limited myself to half a cup of coffee a day. Then when I was pregnant with C, I started drinking about half a cup of coffee a day and when she born I would drink one cup a day. This time when I was pregnant with K I was drinking a cup of coffee a day and now that she’s born I probably drink 2 cups of coffee a day and then maybe some soda during the day as well. With the addition of each kid I probably worry a little less about how much I’m drinking but I also NEED the caffeine to get through the days.

I’m starting to wonder if I should give up coffee for a week or so and see if anything changes in K’s daytime sleep habits. I’m still trying to convince myself that it would be a good test and if nothing changes then I can still go back to drinking my coffee. And if things do change then I’d be happy that she is sleeping longer during the days. But I just can’t get myself to take the initial step of cutting off all my caffeine yet. I love coffee – the smell, the taste, and it’s hard for me to start my mornings without a cup.

I keep trying to find the best time to stop. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe when my husband gets back from his business trip, or maybe next week… or maybe never.

Change

throwingsocks — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 06:42:42 +0000

Being a mom with 3 young kids, having a day off to run errands and relax is usually welcomed with open arms. But today as I parked my car in a parking garage to run some more errands I was suddenly struck with a pang of lonliness. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself but have a good cry… yes, in the car.

While I consider myself a fairly emotional person it has been a while since I’ve let my emotions overcome me like this. I’m almost always surrounded by noise and chaos and there is hardly ever a quiet moment. We’re all busy with work, or busy with the kids, busy being tired, and just busy being busy I guess.

But as I sat in my car I realized though I may always be surrounded or occupied with somebody or something I am in fact feeling very lonely these days.

My mind is filled with conflicting emotions regarding my kids, my parents, and my husband. Trying to show love and wanting to inconvenience no one but not exactly sure what that looks like to any of them.

I go to bed before my husband almost every night without hardly even saying a good night to each other. I don’t have much time during the day to talk on the phone. And at night I don’t have the energy or the will to gather my thoughts together let alone talk to anyone about it.

Something has to change. But the changes that I have tried to make have failed miserably. I want to get up early in the mornings to exercise and lose this stupid baby weight and spend some quiet time with God, but that has happened twice in the past 3 weeks. I also want to go through this 42 days of prayer with my church every night before I go to bed but mostly end up falling asleep two minutes into my praying.

And then I read tonight’s passage from our church’s prayer guide:
Ask God to heal you.
Psalm 107:19-20 “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress; he sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.”

And maybe that’s all the change that I need to do right now. Ask God for healing because quite frankly I’m feeling a little bit broken.

Feeling the strain

throwingsocks — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 03:57:19 +0000

Has it already been a month since I last posted? Well, I guess it has been a while since we are now on the tail end of escrow closing on our place here.
We are in the process of packing and moving out by the end of this week and closing escrow on our condo the week after. I’ve been trying to take everything in stride. I think for the most part I’ve been pretty good about handling everything going on on the outside and just taking things as they come along, but on the inside I can feel each thing just piling up inside me. And I knew it would happen sooner or later but I’ve really been feeling the strain of this whole selling/moving/buying process now.
I’m 6 months pregnant, trying to pack up our condo, trying to keep up with two active toddlers, and looking for a new place to settle into (hopefully soon). I’ve also been having a lot of trouble falling asleep and staying asleep these nights which doesn’t help. I know I’m complaining and whining on this blog probably almost as much as my kids do but I just need a space to write before I end up melting down over the stress I’m feeling.
It was my birthday this past weekend and I had a wonderful day celebrating it with my family and husband. But by the end of this weekend I’ve felt so worn out and so exhausted that I just need a good cry before the start of the new week.
What I wouldn’t give to have a glass of wine or a margarita now… that would totally hit the spot. I guess I will settle for a caffeine free root beer instead.

Solomon’s wisdom

throwingsocks — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 01:02:52 +0000

A couple weeks ago in small group we were studying the passage in 1 Kings where Solomon asks God for wisdom in ruling his people after he became king. God was pleased that instead of asking for long life or riches or for the life of his enemies he asked for a discerning mind. And because of this God did bless him with wisdom and he also blessed him with the things he did not ask as well – riches and honor and a long life. He ended up blessing Solomon with far more than Solomon would have thought or imagined.

As we were discussing the differences between Solomon asking for wisdom vs. riches and long life we were also challenged to reflect on the things that we ask God for that are more selfish and more similar to honor and wealth rather than widsom. This study really struck a chord with me in the midst of our whole housing situation. With trying to sell our house I realized that my selfish thoughts and wants focus a lot on being comfortable in this life. I want to sell our house so we can buy a bigger house with a yard and a bbq grill and more rooms for the kids and us to grow into.

My prayers about selling our house have always been trying to just trust God in His timing and being patient and even being okay if we didn’t sell our house because He knows what’s best for us. But after this study when I really gathered my thoughts I knew deep down that I really wanted to sell our house before baby #3 is born and that I would be really disappointed if we were still living here a year or two from now. And that all these things were really just selfish wants for this life.

I was really challenged by the study to really think about what are some kingdom focused, eternal things that God would really want me specifically to be asking and praying for instead of a big new house. In my prayers I really struggled with trying to just let go of this obsession of selling our house and moving and tried to focus instead on things that God would be pleased with. Can’t say that I totally mastered being unselfish in my thoughts and prayers but amazingly enough God was still gracious and blessed us and we ended up getting an offer that we felt was reasonable and we are now in escrow. I was surprised and grateful at God’s timing – just right after we studied this passage.

I’m not gonna lie, I still have this paranoia and worry that escrow is going to fall through either because the buyers don’t like something in the inspection reports or that their loans won’t go through or something. But I’ve been trying to change my selfish perspectives and really just trust and take things as they come. Because if we do close escrow, if I thought it was crazy trying to keep the house clean for showings before it’s just gonna get a lot crazier from here on out! We gotta pack and move, find a temporary place to rent, look for a new place to buy, and move again into a new place… and have a baby in December.

Recap

throwingsocks — Thu, 20 Aug 2009 01:27:27 +0000

So it’s been a while since I’ve been on my blog. But today I feel like writing again although I have nothing in particular on my mind. So I think I will do a quick recap of what’s been transpiring in my life and mind since I last updated. Since I’m a bullet point kind of person this post will be done in bullet points (or hyphenated bullet points since i don’t know how to do bullet points on this).

- We are having another girl due in december! I am excited about having another baby but am also sometimes a bit worried about what it will be like taking care of three kids all 3 years old or younger. This pregnancy has been the hardest on my body and the hardest on me emotionally as well. All my aches and pains have come on much sooner and my emotions the first trimester were extremely difficult for me to handle… so much so that my doctor and I had talked about me going to see a therapist/counselor if it became too much for me. While I’m not against going to see a counselor I was thankful that when I hit 15 weeks in my pregnancy and past my first trimester that my mind and my mood cleared up and I got a bit of energy back into me. It’s amazing what those hormones can do to a woman’s body.

- Our house is still on the market and I still get a little crazy every time I have to clean up our place for a showing. We lowered our price a little and have recently been getting a lot more offers which is nice but unfortunately all the offers are extremely low offers and it’s not been something I’ve been willing to settle for yet. Ask me again in a month and maybe I’ll have a different answer then.

- Summer has come and is now almost gone… sniff sniff. It’s been a good summer but things always seem a lot busier over the summer as well. My husband got quarantined in China, we’ve had friends and family come visit, been connecting and meeting up more with friends here, have lots of meetings going on, and a couple trips planned and even though I’m only in my second trimester I find myself feeling extremely tired again. And it’s been hard to catch up on sleep and rest since I can’t seem to sleep very well through the night anymore.

- Even though my kids are only 15 months and 3 years old, sometimes I look at them nowadays and can’t believe how fast they are growing up. I’m not quite at the point where I don’t want them to grow up because I really enjoy seeing them develop and learn new skills and learn to play together (as well as fight more, but that part I don’t enjoy) and learn to be more independent.

- I’m 30 and will be turning 31 in a month and it’s sinking in that I am not that young anymore. I’ve always felt young and looked young but now my age is really catching up to me. I’m losing my hair and getting bald spots already (!), my wrinkles are really starting to show, and if I’m not wearing makeup (which most of the times I am not) I look like a total mess. And since I’ve finished reading the Twilight series and have been following all the actors on my celebrity gossip sites I am shocked and horrified that I am drooling over these actors that are only 17 years old!!! When did this happen that I’m almost twice their age?!

- We bought a minivan and the kids love it and so do I.

Viva Las Vegas

throwingsocks — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 06:18:12 +0000

We had booked a hotel in Vegas for my parents a little while ago but at the last minute they weren’t able to make it. My in-laws are in town now too so we asked them if they would like to go but it was a little too rushed for them. We were going to just go ahead and cancel the reservation when I jokingly suggested that maybe I could go instead. My husband thought that that was a great idea and was really pushing for me to go and since my in-laws were in town they said that they would be happy to watch the kids for me.
Now I’ve never been on a vacation by myself and for those of you that know me, I’m an extremely needy and dependent person that has never felt the need to go off by myself anywhere. But somewhere along the way of becoming a mom I’ve been able to grow a little bit more in my independence (not that much though). And so after some hemming and hawing and some eager prodding by my husband I decided to take this opportunity and go to Vegas. Of course at first I was a little nervous about the 4.5 hour drive each way and what I was going to do by myself in Vegas but as the time got nearer I began to find myself getting a little excited and looking forward to this mini vacation. I went to the library and picked out a couple books on tape to keep me company on my drive and packed my swimsuit and my twilight series books.
I left on a Thursday morning and found the drive to be extremely smooth and traffic free and the book on tape was very entertaining to make the drive go by pretty fast. Once I got checked in to the hotel (Encore Hotel, super nice and fancy!) and was in my room I was absolutely giddy with excitement. I lounged around my suite (!) for a little bit and watched some MTV Run’s House episodes… oh how I’ve missed having cable TV at home. Soon after, I quickly changed into my swimsuit and picked up my twilight book and headed downstairs for a quick bite to eat and then to the pool. Later that night I met up with an old college friend and it was great catching up with her too. I ended the night finishing my Twilight books at a very late hour and canceling my breakfast plans with my friend so I could sleep in.
As I was talking to M that night and I was telling him just how short my trip felt he went and found me another hotel so I could extend my stay another day. I think he was almost as excited as I was that I was on a vacation by myself and having so much fun.
The next day was more of the same relaxing fun. Ate lunch, went window shopping, relaxed by the pool, enjoyed room service, and lost $40 in slot machines. There were certainly times where I thought to myself how nice it would’ve been if M could’ve come with me but at the same time thoroughly enjoying my experience on my own for the first time too. Ummm… I didn’t really miss the kids all that much but when I did see their pics on my phone I would smile to myself.
By the time Saturday morning rolled around, even though I had a great time I was ready to hit the road and go home. I felt like this trip helped me expand my independence and my confidence in just how much I can do by myself and enjoy myself too. And it was nice knowing that my husband was just as encouraging and happy for me knowing that it would help “spread my wings” and ease my anxieties and give me a break from the kids.
As soon as I got home it was back to the grind… our family had to rush and get dressed for a wedding and the two kids just did not cooperate very well at the wedding and reception that night. When we finally got home and put the kids to bed it was a late night as I was finishing prepping for J’s birthday party the next day. After the party was over and our whole family was ready to crash for the afternoon I began daydreaming on where I would go for my next trip without my family… hmmm… maybe Palm Springs.