Happy New Year again

Happy Chinese New Year! We celebrated the lunar new year down in Irvine with my parents this past weekend. We headed down late Saturday afternoon with the kids. We were having our new year’s eve dinner on Sunday night so Saturday night was free and M and I decided to take advantage of it and go out on a date. I think the last time we really got to go out on a date with just the two of us was my birthday last year.

I was excited to be able to go out with M since it had been so long from the last time and the night did not disappoint. We had a really great time. We found a nice restaurant near the area and sat down to a nice atmosphere and good food and wine. It didn’t even really matter that I couldn’t taste my food that much since I was pretty congested. The presentation of the food was really nice and so was the texture of it in my mouth. At least I was able to taste the wine! And feel the effects of it afterward too. But the best part of the night was the company and conversation I had with my husband. We talked about what’s been in our thoughts and on our minds lately, we joked around, and shared about our hopes and dreams for the future (did we prefer a 7 bedroom house or a 5 bedroom house with a separate guest house?). We talked about our kids and how wonderful they are and bet whether they were in bed yet or still running around the house with their grandparents chasing after them. After dinner we were debating whether to catch a movie or not but decided against it since I still had a little bit of a lingering cough and decided to just head over to the nearest bookstore and catch up on some magazine reading. Before heading back to my parents place for the night we took a little walk around their neighborhood and enjoyed the crisp cool air and the quiet night. It was easily one of the more memorable nights for us lately.

The next night as we were enjoying a delicious 8 course meal with my family, courtesy of my mom, and toasting to the new year (J was having fun clinking his wine glass full of milk too) I thought to myself… Now this is a much better way to ring in the new year. Happy Year of the Ox!

Oh Yu Ken!

J has been sick for the past week and he’s just now starting to be on the mend.  The last few days he was so lethargic, in and out of sleep all day and night, easily irritable, and had major double eyelids (a telltale sign that he is getting sick or is sick).  Today M went back to work and I was watching the two kids by myself.  Unfortunately for me, even though J is feeling slightly better he had gotten used to being constantly held and having someone accompany him in bed all day and night.  But since it was only me today I had to divide my time between the two kids and could not tend to J’s constant neediness, whininess, and all around irritability.  He did not handle it very well at all.  It sounded like a screamfest in this house.  On top of that I think his sister is getting sick too.  I felt like there was always at least one kid crying when both of them were up and I just could not calm either of them down.  Even with the TV on all day today there was just no moment of peace.   It was one of those days where I just prayed that I could make it through the day in one piece and more importantly my kids would be in one piece when their dad got home.  It did not help that I’m getting sick AGAIN.

This will probably sound totally weird but for some reason the arcade game, Street Fighter, is my visual when I need an outlet to my madness.  I hardly ever played that game growing up (although I watched people play it a lot in arcades)  and the few times I did play it I always played Chun Li.  But when my kids are driving me nuts and I’m losing my patience with them I often picture myself as Ryu in Street Fighter and jumping up and doing that spinning uppercut on them and shouting Oh Yu Ken!  Needless to say, that uppercut attack played through my mind n number of times today.  But thankfully God was gracious and the kids had no bloody/bruised chins or broken jawbones when their dad got home tonight.  M came home to one thankful wife the day was almost over, one kid who was happy to have his dad come home and be carried, and the other kid was, of course, crying.

Even my kids?

A couple months ago I was at a meeting where we filled out a self evaluation form helping us reflect on the health of our lives spiritually, mentally, and physically.  Needless to say I wasn’t measuring up very healthy

One of the questions had asked us how our relationship was with the Bread of Life.  I quickly circled stale.  And so it’s been for a little while now.  I’ve lost focus and my priorities have shifted (such as blogging instead of doing devotionals) and as a result my spiritual life has suffered.  It’s been on my mind more and I feel like I need a change.  I need the conviction of the Spirit and a renewed passion for Jesus in my life.  And so many times in the past couple months I have prayed that God would do whatever it takes, that He would break me so that I might be fully His again.  BUT… and there is always a ‘but’ at the end of the prayer.  But I try to bargain with God and I ask for it on the condition that whatever it takes it does not include anything that would affect my kids.  My thoughts go crazy as I begin to think, what if my kids get seriously hurt or catch some disease or even worse, something fatal happens and God uses that to draw me to Him?  I just could not handle that.   And so I retract my prayer and tell God, I’m sorry I’m just not ready to give up all control and all aspects of my life to you (especially my kids) but please help me to do just that.  I know that God wants all of me and if I really want to live wholly for him I cannot hold back a part of my life from Him.

As I sit and wrestle with this thought I know that my kids are a gift from God and He has placed them in my care for only a short time and that ultimately they are His.  But these thoughts are what I know in my head and not in my heart.  It’s true what people have told me, the love of a parent to their child is one of the greatest experiences of love that I have ever felt.  I love my kids so much that even when one of them catches a cold and is coughing or wheezing through the night, as cheesy as it sounds, it breaks my heart.  Now when my husband gets sick and is feeling bad I just get annoyed…  haha, poor guy.

This past Sunday as I was sitting in service I started praying the same prayer again.  I’ve been feeling so dry for so long and I really want to hunger and thirst for God and truly live my life for Him and not for myself.  And once again as I was asking Him to do whatever it takes I felt the hesitancy rising up in me again.  But my kids…

As I continued to pray through my prayer I asked God for the strength and the faith to give my kids up to Him and instead of wanting to keep my grip on my kids I began to feel this sense of freedom as I asked Him to take all of me (including my love for my kids) and change me.  It was in some strange way very freeing.  I guess when I want to live for Him I must trust in His sovereignty and believe that He knows what’s best for me and my family… whatever happens in this life.

Happy New Year

So far 2009 has been pretty uneventful. Rang in the new year sick in bed with a fever. It’s almost one week later and I still haven’t recovered. The fever has turned into a cold with a cough that just won’t go away. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come for 2009… don’t want to be constantly sick this year. Thank goodness M had a few days off to watch the kids, I don’t know how I could’ve watched them myself the first few days.

For some reason, being this sick for so long brought me back to my pregnancy days. As I lay in bed feeling miserable I was telling M, I don’t remember if being pregnant felt this tiring and awful but I don’t know if I can go through being pregnant again. And after this all I want to do is drop off the kids at the grandparents house and go on a vacation with the hubby and relax for a few days. Because you know with kids around one can never fully relax and take a break for a day. M is always so sad to be without the kids for even one night but I think he took pity on me and told me he would love to go on a vacation without the kids. Unfortunately my laziness has caught up to me. I haven’t bottle fed C at all because it’s so much work to pump, freeze, clean and sterilize bottles, etc… So my boob is chained to C until she turns a year old and I will have to wait 4 more months before I can take my vacation sans kids.

Well, I feel like I’m on the mend tonight but then again I’ve felt like that before the last couple of days only to wake up feeling worse or having more symptoms.

Here’s to 2009… May it be filled with health, wealth, and another kid on the way (haha, only kidding)
*ah-choo*cough cough*sniffle