From the outside I am living the American dream. I’ve got a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful kids, a house (and we could even put up a white picket fence), and I get to stay at home and live comfortably. I know I live a spoiled and luxury filled life and really what more could I ask for? Am I acting like a spoiled sheltered millennial (though I am way too old to actually be one) without any hardships if I say I want more? Am I ridiculously ungrateful by feeling lost and purposeless without appreciating all that I have already? Most likely.

But honestly, I’m quite tired of living this shallow life of mine. All these things do not feel fulfilling and do not fill me at the core of my heart but yet that is all I chase after these days. I try so hard to keep up with the Joneses for some instantaneous happiness that is anything but permanent.

I am feeling very introspective today and don’t want to lose this moment because I’m hoping for a shift in my life soon. I’m fairly ordinary and don’t have any awesome accomplishments to brag about but that’s okay. I’m not looking for anything ambitious in this season in life just a shift in what my heart desires. When I take a look at my heart there is no depth there. Instead there are mountains of just stuff… escape mechanisms, materialistic wealth, and vanity (lots of that) that have buried a longing deep down that has very little want of becoming unburied. I don’t want to take the time to dig through all the crap because it’s easier to just keep adding to my pile of shallow pride and selfish wants. I am afraid to go through anything that might require hard work, that might take time, and make me take a hard look at my heart. I just want to be lazy and take the least path of resistance. I don’t have the heart for it. Where do I begin when I don’t have the heart for it but the heart is what I want to change?