Fears

So I think I want to volunteer for a shelter that assists people dealing with domestic violence and sexual assault. Before doing so I need to fill out an application, undergo 65 hours of training and have an interview.
Part of me is very excited about this because I have been wanting to do something outside of the home for a little while now and I think this would give me a better sense of whether I would really like to pursue counseling and if this is really something that I am passionate about. But there is another more insecure part of me that is very fearful about even taking this step of volunteering. I know it sounds silly considering it’s only volunteer work but it’s been a very long time since I have done anything with structure and challenge outside of raising my kids. Because they are taking the time to train me they ask for a one year commitment and 100 volunteer hours. One of my fears is that this turns out not being something I’m very good at all or that I’m not very passionate about but still have the one year commitment to fulfill. Or what if it is just way more draining on me than I expected and end up not being able to separate the burdens I feel for others and bring it all home with me to my family?
But if I do really enjoy it, another more practical side of me cannot justify paying all that money on tuition to go back school again for a degree in counseling. I wonder if I would be okay with volunteering instead but never making a career out of it even if my husband is totally okay with it and can continue to support our family. I also have other thoughts swirling in my head about how this will change our family and our schedules (because I’m very big on routines).
And there are some days where I’m just not feeling very confident in myself. In these moments I think God is teaching me to take confidence in Him and what He can do in me and to have a little faith to take that bold step because He is there.

Mom’s Influence

We are doing premarital counseling with an engaged couple and I am reminded how much we are shaped and influenced by the way we were raised by our parents. As I am thinking more about what I want to do as the kids get older I realize how much my thinking is influenced by the way my mom raised me and how much I want to emulate what she did.

My mom was a stay at home mom to me and my brother up until my later elementary school years. I think she studied botany in college but when she did go back to work after I was in school she became a realtor. It was a part-time job with flexible hours and she was great at it. But I still remember her being home most of the time when I was home from school. And if she wasn’t then my brother was old enough to watch me. Her priority was still to be at home when we were out of school and to take care of us.

And now that I am a parent and have kids of my own I find myself wanting the same thing. I want to also pursue something that has flexible hours because I think I would still really like to be at home and with my kids when they are home from school most of the time. While I would still feel the need/want to do something for myself, my main priority would still be to be at home when my kids come home. It is familiar to me because that’s the way it was done when I was growing up and it worked for my family growing up. And so I want to follow a similar path also.

Options

I’m starting to get excited as I begin to think and do more research on some of the things I would like to pursue after my kids are all in school.  I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering but most of the things that I think about doing now have nothing to do with that.  Lots of people ask me if I want to go back to it and to them I emphatically say no. I just did not enjoy work as a ME very much.  Besides, I haven’t kept up with it at all and so it would be very hard to catch up with all the new technology and brush up on my ME skills (whatever that may be, I’m not even sure).  There are some more practical friends that feel it is kind of waste to go away from what I spent my 4 years in college and post college doing. But for me I am happy to get away from it and start fresh. And to some extent, my college years and work has taught me that I am capable of learning a new skill with some hard work and effort.

There is of course my endless thought of learning how to play guitar and hopefully someday I’ll be able to strum some praise songs that the family could sing together.    

Another option I thought of is learning Quickbooks and helping out M’s company with their accounting and payroll because that could be a way of me helping out and getting involved a little more if I wanted to.

Then I also still think about pursuing Christian counseling.  Or maybe taking some lay counseling classes and use that maybe in a church.

And when I think about it some more there is one aspect that I really did enjoy about ME and that was doing CAD design/drawings.  I really enjoyed figuring out the different softwares to create 3D models and if I could get some freelance projects to help create CAD drawings from home I think I would really enjoy that.  

As I think about all these options it occurs to me that I am turning into a dreamer (which I usually am not at all and it’s exciting) but I am not a do-er (which is not so good). I’ve had my guitar for 3-4 years and I still can only play the same 3 chords and one strumming pattern that I learned back in college from my brother. I’ve thought about learning Quickbooks about 6 months ago, played around with it a little and flipped through a tutorial and never looked at it again. Since then, M’s company has hired an accountant to do everything for them. Someone recently just asked me if I could whip up a CAD drawing for her new store in a weekend and I politely said no because I don’t even have a computer or any of the CAD software at home. M suggested Google Sketchup and I said, nah, I don’t want to learn it that weekend.

Maybe I need to set some goals for myself or have some external motivation to get myself moving, like paying for some classes. In the meantime, this daydreaming has been fun as I make a bazillion bucks in my head off of my part-time CAD drawings and part-time counseling work…

Separation of work and home

I have had this dream of wanting to be a Christian counselor someday. But there have always been hesitations and reasons for not pursuing this. For instance, one of them would be that I would have to go back to school again and get some kind of degree but I really don’t want to go back to school again. And a lot of these other reasons are probably more excuses rather than actual deterrents for me not pursuing this career.

But there is one thing that really makes me think twice about whether this is really something that I should/could pursue. M and I had discussed that one of my biggest problems would be having to separate my work from my home life. I worry that emotionally and mentally I would bring my work home with me and continue to be burdened by the people I counsel and their lives. That after my work day is over I still would not be able to completely let it go and be there wholly for my family.

I wasn’t very passionate about my past jobs. Heck, I didn’t even like most of them. So it was easy for me to leave my work at work and come home and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekends not even thinking twice about my work. I don’t know if it is different when you do a job that you enjoy or even more, a job that you are passionate about.

I’ve seen how hard it is for M to fully separate himself from his work in the startup life. The work is neverending and so much is depending on getting things done and delivering for the company’s success and for my family’s livelihood. I can see how much he enjoys it but I can also see how much it is always on his mind even on the nights when he shuts down and goes offline. And I can sometimes see the ripple effects it has on our family. He works very hard in both his work and home life and he makes it work somehow. Maybe it is because of the passion he has for both.

I am not as big a risk taker as my husband and so for things like this that are challenging it excites him. For me, these challenges of a new career and balancing work and home just scare me. And so I just sit here and do nothing about it for now… but at least I blogged about it!