the new kids at church

We started attending a new church about 6 months ago. My kids love it and I’m so thankful.  After so many years at our old church and them complaining about not really having any friends there this has been a fairly smooth transition for them. We attended a church retreat a few months back and the kids just dove in and made friends easily and love hanging out with their church friends now. They have plugged in so quickly and they have helped me and M meet so many people and other families.  It’s always a ‘Oh you’re the parents of… nice to meet you’. And all these seemingly random people at church saying hi to my kids and I have no idea who they are. Before, my kids (and admittedly me too) would always ask if we had to go to church on Sundays and we would look for any excuse not to attend. Nowadays it’s my kids asking if we can go to church or some other event because they want to go. If anything, they keep me accountable in making an effort to get plugged in and going to church regularly and hanging out with other people afterwards. My son is always trying to encourage me and asking if I made any new friends yet and telling me he will pray for me to make new friends at church. I always answer, I’m trying and yes please pray for me.

We were at a church beach day recently and I was chatting with someone (who just came and introduced herself to me and M – so friendly) and she commented how it must be nice that my kids are older and self-sufficient. She hadn’t seen me with my kids all day. And I responded yes it’s really awesome that my kids are older and they can just run off and play with their friends not even bothering to take a second look back at me or my husband. And while that is definitely true, secretly I’m also thinking but I also don’t have my kids to hide behind anymore as a distraction when I don’t know what to do with myself here. I can look for them to keep me company but they certainly aren’t ever looking for me.

This new church has actually been so welcoming and it is such a breath of fresh air.  The families and other people we have met have just been so friendly and always inviting us to join them in all their activities. And if I’m being honest if it wasn’t for my kids I would rather just stay home and enjoy my alone time curling up with a good book and feed into my introverted self. But I make a huge effort and it’s always been such a good thing and I’m thankful for my kids pushing me to go. Someone once mentioned at church, yes it can be a long drive since people live all over LA but honestly, they all make the effort to see each other and it’s worth it.  And that has stuck with me and is always in the back of my mind when I’m on the road going to see some friends (yes, I’ve made a few friends at church – yay me).

I don’t think my kids feel new at church anymore but I still feel like a new person.  I’m waiting for when that will change. My kids have totally been my way in and I guess that’s okay for now. But at some point I’ve got to navigate on my own and feel comfortable calling this ‘my’ church community as well.

Hard Work

At the beginning of this year I hit a bit of a low point.  My anxiety was building up to an all time high with no sign of relief and if I’m honest I was probably also mildly depressed. I can’t even count the number of times I would cry in the mornings and try to coax myself out of bed.  I could function my day to day normally but I was sliding down a slippery slope and I knew that I needed to do something.  I am also turning 40 this year and this felt like a good catalyst to push myself a little and get some help and start actively working toward bettering myself.

With a lot of hesitation I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety.  I met with her weekly and it was really hard at first.  She had warned me that it would feel like I wasn’t making progress and that I would probably feel worse before I started to get better.  Then she clearly laid out a plan for how we would move forward for the next few months. Armed with those expectations in mind I dived into it.  Along with seeing my therapist I also started hiking with my dog once a week.  Getting out of my comfort zone and exploring new trails with her and hiking for a few miles did wonders for my mental health.  I also took a trip up to Napa with a couple girlfriends to celebrate all of us turning 40, and while that may not seem like a big deal for most people, traveling by myself brings all sorts of anxiety out in me but I did it anyway and it was a wonderful trip and I’m so glad I went.  I also stopped feeling guilty for reading so much and feeling like I should be doing something more productive with my time instead.  I know that I’ve read some article before about the benefits of reading but honestly I can’t remember what it said. Reading is a form of self-care for me and I just really enjoy it – so much.  I also got a prayer partner and we call each other once a week to pray over the phone.  I can’t describe what a blessing and a gift she has been. I have to admit that was not through any of my own initiative but I did agree to commit to it and I’m so thankful I said yes to it.  Through therapy I was learning new tools to cope with my anxiety and other crippling thoughts and able to challenge and stretch myself in small steps.  I took a training session to be a Crisis Text counselor and took a few shifts before I stopped for the summer.  After 15 years at our old church we started to attend a new church. It was hard being new again but I am really trying to make an effort to meet people and get plugged in.

Now that I am in the latter half of the year I can look back and see that I’m in a much better place now and I’m so thankful for it.  I used to shrug off these changes as things that happened to me and not of my own doing.  But now I am able to acknowledge that I put in a lot of hard work to get better and I’m really proud of myself.