Summer days

It is almost the end of summer for my kids and school is starting in just a few days. This means it is also the end of summer for me as well. The first few weeks of summer are always awesome and I’m so glad that school is over but usually as the weeks go on I’m starting to count down the days until school starts again and the kids are back in school.

But this summer has been different. I’m not ready for school to start again, to be up before the sun rises and for schedules and extra-curricular activities to fill up our weekday afternoons and weekends. This summer was filled with just the right amount of fun and busyness and rest and relaxation. We stayed over at grandparents house, played with friends, ran around the city doing different activities, hung out with the cousins, and also stayed at home. Although I thrive on routines and schedules I actually loved not having any place to be at any specific time over the summer (but I did still have our weeks loosely planned out).

The kids are also at an age where I can take them out and it not be super exhausting and draining on me. They are so much more self-sufficient now but they still want to hang out with me and spend time with family. In all honesty, I think I was the last one to wake up almost every day over the summer… it was so great.

I can still remember not so long ago where I worried that the kids would remember their summers with mommy and daddy just always feeling tired and fatigued and not being able to do much but just survive (being a family with young children). Or the time M had to be away the whole summer doing consulting in other cities and not able to spend much time with the family.

I want to remember this summer. This summer where my husband comments on how happy I seem. (A plus for him too as he voices his sentiment, “happy wife, happy life!”) This summer where my kids and I have lots of fun memories but also times of just being bored at home. I’m sad this summer is coming to an end. As I conveniently block out the times in my mind when the kids were bickering and fighting with each other and the times when I was yelling and screaming at them, I will remember this summer with many fond memories.

Spiritual Discipline

While my husband was away during the school year I found my patience level to be pretty much zero when I would have to get up and wake up all the kids for school in the mornings. After a few days of this I decided that something needed to change. It was a crappy way for me to start the day and it must’ve been pretty terrible for the kids dealing with my temper in the mornings.

I have heard many stories from other friends that tell me they wake up at 5:30am every morning to work out and/or do their morning devotions before getting the kids ready for school or getting ready for work.  I have also heard many talks about how Jesus (and consequently other theologians, authors, Christians, etc…) got up early in the mornings to pray before starting the day and how we should try and imitate that.  I have never been able to do that. No matter how hard I tried and how many times I tried.  Trying to start this discipline during the winter time is the absolute worst when it’s still dark out and so cold in the house.

But the mornings were getting pretty bad for us during the school week (and luckily it was already spring time) so I decided to set my alarm extra early and get up before the kids to get ready and dressed and then do a little bit of quiet time in the morning before waking them up.  In the beginning of this new routine it was totally awesome.  I was in a much better mood with the kids, we weren’t in such a rush since I was already dressed and ready and had my morning cup of coffee, and I had plenty of time to do my devotions.

This awesomeness lasted for about a week.  I was still able to get up before the kids each morning but I began hitting my snooze button more and more as the weeks went on.  And of course the thing to suffer was my quiet time with God.  But even before I was waking up later I found my eyes glazing over as I was reading my Bible and commentary and I kept having to read the same passages and sentences over and over again cause nothing would sink in.  And my prayers would just be one distracted jumbled mess.  I just could not sit still and concentrate in the mornings after the first week.

I really did enjoy getting up early in the mornings and it really helped our family get off to a better start to the day but I was really lacking in the discipline of getting up early to spend time with God.  I’m not exactly sure what to do next.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself in trying to squeeze a good quiet time in every morning.  Or maybe I need to add a little variety to my morning devotions or something.  Or maybe it’s a mix of both…  certainly having some discipline in my life is good for me (and I really thrive on routines) but not forcing things if it’s just not gonna happen in the mornings.

The new school year starts in just a couple weeks for the kids…  we’ll see what happens in the mornings.

Hole in the Wall

I used to cry over every little thing. I was one big emotional rollercoaster of a mess. Once I became a mom I felt like it toughened me up and I wasn’t as afraid to speak up for myself and my kids and I didn’t cry as much (after the first few hormonal months).
But I realize I am still quite an emotional person but instead of just crying when I feel like it, I bottle it all up until one day I explode. And boy did I explode yesterday.
I haven’t quite figured out everything that I have been suppressing but it’s a combination of being tired, kids driving me crazy, and M traveling a lot lately.  He’s pretty much gone 4 out of the 5 days each week and it will probably continue like this for the next few months. When he gets back he is also exhausted from the traveling and the grueling work week. And for some reason our weekends have been so busy as well that there is hardly time to rest, even though we both need it.

And so I try to do as much as I can but I can sense the impatience and annoyance building up in me and when the kids are driving me crazy (as they so often do) I just need to shut the door and let out all my anger.  And so I punched and kicked a hole in our bedroom wall.  I even shocked myself.  It felt like an all time low in motherhood in so many aspects.

Well, that certainly got M’s attention and I got a lot of time to myself the rest of the night.  I admit that I need to find some better outlet of letting my anger and other emotions out.  Maybe getting back into a good exercise routine again and being okay with asking for help from others and to just cry when I feel like it.

And now I’ve got to watch youtube and figure out a way to patch up this hole.

Moving

I want to move.  To the suburbs. But like all my choice and decision making it is filled with conflicting thoughts.
We have been here in LA for the past ten years and our friends and church community are all here. Our son goes to a great elementary school and we live in a neighborhood where all the kids walk to school together. Now that our youngest is 3, life is suddenly much more manageable. I feel like I am coming out of my introverted shell and we are able to enjoy hanging out with friends and hosting people and not be completely wiped out by the end of the day. Our small group is like our extended family, I feel like we are reconnecting into the family ministries again, and our church is finally getting it’s own building after 10 years. We also worry that life in the suburbs of OC will be too sheltered for our kids (not that we are slumming it up here in West LA) and that we will get too caught up in the academic competitiveness of the schools there.
As I write all this out life seems pretty perfect where we are and there doesn’t seem to be much reason for us to move anywhere let alone the suburbs. But, my parents live in OC and the pull of wanting to live near them is very big. I am the first to admit that I am extremely spoiled by my parents. They help us with groceries, they help watch the kids when I have appointments or am feeling sick, and M even notices how much happier my demeanor is when we are down here with them. Yes, they are invaluable to me and my kids but also as my parents get older I want to be near to help them out as well and let them know how much I appreciate them. I talk to my mom at least twice a day and she is pretty much the only person that calls me on my phone. My kids love being with my parents and my oldest even says he would like to live next door them (to which my parents say, no thanks, thats too close). Heck, maybe to round out our suburban life we could even get a dog which my family has been dying to get for the past 6-12 months.
I’m sure I would love living in suburbia but then I think to myself is a comfortable suburban life really what I want long term for myself and my kids? Will I get too swept up in living a Pleasantville life and all the luxuries it has to offer and insulate my family from the rest of the world? I can already see it happening where we are right now because I am so easily influenced by the environment around me, how much more so if we move?
My husband just gives me his look and tells me how complicated I am…

When I get to heaven

My son is allergic to a lot of foods. Several of them can cause extremely severe reactions and fish is one of them. He can’t even touch any fish let alone eat any. I’ve seen him totally miserable when his face got all itchy and his nose all swollen and rubbed raw after eating some seaweed which we suspect might have been a little contaminated with some fish or other food he is allergic to. I’ve seen him at his saddest moments questioning and asking us why does he have to be allergic to so many foods. And the other night when we were sitting around the dinner table a random conversation broke my heart a little more over my son’s allergies.

We were having our usual random dinner conversations with the kids when C somehow brought up the idea of her brother dying at his school. I can’t really remember how it was brought up but it was in a very light tone and not grim at all. Well as siblings are, J did not appreciate the comment and was starting to get all huffy about it when all of sudden his face lit up. He then exclaimed, if I die then I can go to heaven! And when I get to heaven I will be able to eat fish and I will know what it tastes like! His sisters then chimed in with other foods he could eat in heaven that he just cannot eat right now like ramen (egg) and cheese (dairy) and they were all getting excited for him. He continued on about all these other awesome things he could do in heaven like eat candy and not have any cavities and not have to get fake teeth like grandma but the fish comment made my heart ache and I couldn’t really listen too well after that.

His allergies are something we all have gotten used to and that he has handled very well. When everyone around him is eating cake or making pizza on a field trip he just sits and watches as he breaks out his own snack and eats it. I have gotten many comments on how well he handles watching other people eat and I have just started assuming he is okay with it all because that is his life. But when he makes a lighthearted comment about being able to eat fish in heaven I realize that he does really think about it a lot and hopes to be able to eat what everyone else around him can eat. And he is surrounded by this fact everyday whether at lunch with his friends at school or at birthday parties or even at home when his sisters are snacking on certain things.

I am also reminded that I need to pray more for him to grow out of his allergies. I’ve never really put too much thought into praying for his allergies until another mom friend mentioned it to me recently. I’m beginning to realize it really will take a miracle for him to grow out of all his allergies.

Mom’s Influence

We are doing premarital counseling with an engaged couple and I am reminded how much we are shaped and influenced by the way we were raised by our parents. As I am thinking more about what I want to do as the kids get older I realize how much my thinking is influenced by the way my mom raised me and how much I want to emulate what she did.

My mom was a stay at home mom to me and my brother up until my later elementary school years. I think she studied botany in college but when she did go back to work after I was in school she became a realtor. It was a part-time job with flexible hours and she was great at it. But I still remember her being home most of the time when I was home from school. And if she wasn’t then my brother was old enough to watch me. Her priority was still to be at home when we were out of school and to take care of us.

And now that I am a parent and have kids of my own I find myself wanting the same thing. I want to also pursue something that has flexible hours because I think I would still really like to be at home and with my kids when they are home from school most of the time. While I would still feel the need/want to do something for myself, my main priority would still be to be at home when my kids come home. It is familiar to me because that’s the way it was done when I was growing up and it worked for my family growing up. And so I want to follow a similar path also.

My middle child

My daughter, C, is my middle child. My husband has a soft spot for her as he is also the middle child in his family. It is very rare that she has any alone time with mommy or daddy. By the time my oldest started preschool my youngest was already born. Daddy has tried to have some one on one father – daughter time by taking her out for donuts every Friday last year after dropping J off at school. But she is such a generous spirit and has never known what it’s like to be without either her older brother or younger sister that she almost always invites her younger sister to join her donuts with daddy time.

But for me, she is my most difficult kid. She is my first girl and she is all girl. I don’t mind the princesses and sparkle and glitter but what is hard for me to deal with is the whining and the tears that never end and the drama queen in her. I am impatient with her and have a low tolerance for all things whiny and too much crying over every little bump and scrape.

She was supposed to start in a pre-k program this fall and I was looking forward to having her and her brother in school and the ease of just having one kid at home full time. But as it turns out there has been a lot of delays in the start of her pre-k program and so she is at home with me everyday along with her younger sister. I thought it might kill me to have both girls at home every day when I was expecting her to be in school already.

But having her at home with me every day has turned out so much better than I ever could have expected. The two girls play so well together and they enjoy each other’s company so much that they can entertain themselves for hours playing together. And now when my youngest, K, goes down to take a nap I have some one on one time with C. I try and make a conscious effort to spend quality time with her during this time. We will do homework together, prep and cook for dinner together, and just recently we looked through my jewelry together and organized it. That time of being alone with her has done so much for our relationship. We get along so much better, she whines less, and I don’t get as easily annoyed at her. I think she and I both really enjoy our one on one time together.

It is true what people say about kids… they act out a lot of times because they are just looking to get more attention and be noticed. I love my daughter and spending some time with C has helped me to notice her more and helped both of us to see how much I enjoy spending time with just her.

Separation of work and home

I have had this dream of wanting to be a Christian counselor someday. But there have always been hesitations and reasons for not pursuing this. For instance, one of them would be that I would have to go back to school again and get some kind of degree but I really don’t want to go back to school again. And a lot of these other reasons are probably more excuses rather than actual deterrents for me not pursuing this career.

But there is one thing that really makes me think twice about whether this is really something that I should/could pursue. M and I had discussed that one of my biggest problems would be having to separate my work from my home life. I worry that emotionally and mentally I would bring my work home with me and continue to be burdened by the people I counsel and their lives. That after my work day is over I still would not be able to completely let it go and be there wholly for my family.

I wasn’t very passionate about my past jobs. Heck, I didn’t even like most of them. So it was easy for me to leave my work at work and come home and just enjoy the rest of the day and the weekends not even thinking twice about my work. I don’t know if it is different when you do a job that you enjoy or even more, a job that you are passionate about.

I’ve seen how hard it is for M to fully separate himself from his work in the startup life. The work is neverending and so much is depending on getting things done and delivering for the company’s success and for my family’s livelihood. I can see how much he enjoys it but I can also see how much it is always on his mind even on the nights when he shuts down and goes offline. And I can sometimes see the ripple effects it has on our family. He works very hard in both his work and home life and he makes it work somehow. Maybe it is because of the passion he has for both.

I am not as big a risk taker as my husband and so for things like this that are challenging it excites him. For me, these challenges of a new career and balancing work and home just scare me. And so I just sit here and do nothing about it for now… but at least I blogged about it!

Happy Mother’s Day

It is Sunday afternoon and I am hiding out in my son’s room (this is a good thing) while my husband takes care of the kids, prepares lunch, and cleans up our home. It has been a great weekend. We took the kids to Disneyland yesterday for C’s birthday and didn’t make it back home til almost midnight. It was a full day but happy to see the kids faces light up as they go on their favorite rides, meet princesses and duel with Darth Vader. And the fireworks show to cap off the night can’t be beat.

After a long day of being on our feet and waiting in lines yesterday, this morning M has ordered me to relax and I got breakfast in bed as the kids piled in to watch tv in our room. I got cards and a picture made by my two older kids and am catching up on my magazine reading this morning. This has been nothing short of awesome as I take advantage of all this pampering.

And I realize as much complaining as I do about my kids (and sometimes my husband too ;)) on this blog and how tiring it can be staying at home with them I am so very thankful to be a mom and to have a husband that is so great with the kids and so patient with me.

I am able to reflect this morning of the joy my family brings me and am so very thankful that God has blessed me with three crazy little monsters and a partner that is just right for me.

Happy Mother’s Day to me! (and yes, all the other moms out there too)

Expectations

It’s crunch time for M’s company this week.  He has been getting busier and busier over the past month and it has culminated into 18 hour days for the past week in order to hit a deadline.  That deadline was two days ago and he’s still working.  It is taking it’s toll on him and it’s taking it’s toll on our family.

I know it’s a really stressful, frustrating, and emotionally charged time for him right now so I try to give him as much space as possible.  And for this past week I feel like I’ve been pretty good about it. I’ve functioned almost as if he were on a business trip this past week and it’s been okay because I was expecting it to be that way.  But when the deadline came and went and him and his team are still cranking away it was hard for me to swallow.

I had always considered myself fairly easy-going and will go with the flow but I’m beginning to see I’m not really like that at all. Like my kids, I thrive on routine and schedules.  I’m not one to make spontaneous decisions. I like to have things planned ahead of time so I know what to expect. I’m all about expectations and when things do not turn out the way I expect I don’t adjust very well to the changes.

M was supposed to be done on a Thursday and he said that he would probably take Friday off just to spend time with family and recharge. Thursday came around and I knew they weren’t going to finish but thought maybe by Saturday. I cancelled birthday parties and potluck dinners on Saturday hoping to spend some quality time with family because I missed having M around and I knew the kids did too. It is now Saturday night and he’s still in the garage working and it’s looking like it’s going to be another long night and probably a long Sunday as well.

I wasn’t expecting to spend most of the weekend alone and I can feel the anger and resentment building up in me because of mismanaged expectations and my inflexibility. I try to control my emotions and be understanding but when the day is over and I’m left with my thoughts I am sometimes overcome with bitterness and other hurtful emotions.

I realize in a startup life one needs to learn to adjust and be a little more flexible with what may come. What I guess I didn’t realize is how much the wife must also be that way and I’m not quite there yet.