Bored

As I sit in the sanctuary of my church home for the past 10+ years my thoughts are distracted and I find myself…. bored.  This wave of guilt washes over me as I realize that I am not only bored sitting and trying to listen to the sermon but I am bored with my faith.  Is that not blasphemy or what?  Or maybe just an honest look into my life.  My spiritual discipline is nonexistent and my love for Jesus is lacking – to say the least.  I’m bored and I want to get out of this boredom without putting in too much work.  How’s that for passion?  I feel duty bound to the things and people that God loves and restrictions instead of freedom from the things of this world.  Every “good deed” seems to feel like a chore.  And I feel it painfully spiraling out of control. I see it in the way I sigh when there is another ministry obligation or meeting to attend.  I see it in the way where I would much rather immerse myself in trashy young adult novels and other mind numbing entertainment because those fictional worlds seem so much more fun and exciting (and I just love teenage angst and romance).  I see it in the way my heart would rather be doing anything than face what I am feeling and the guilt behind it.  I see it as I try so hard to push out any conflicting feelings I may have about my life.  Where I once used to welcome them, I now hate the tears that fall from my eyes… afraid of where they will lead me to.