Impostor Syndrome

– is a psychological phenomenon in which people are unable to internalize their accomplishments. Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be. (source: wikipedia)

I was debating whether or not to take on a new mechanical design project recently. I was hemming and hawing over how I didn’t know whether or not I could do it, whether I was even capable of doing it. My husband kept trying to reassure me that I would be fine and finally suggested I look up impostor syndrome as a way to describe how I was feeling. When I read the wikipedia article it hit the nail on the head as to how I felt.

I had actually worked on several other projects before with the same people but as each new one came up I would always feel my stress and anxiety go way up and my feeling of competence go way down. This time was no different except I was able to put a definition to it and it was eye opening to me that this was a common feeling to many people.

More than just feeling incapable is this fear of failing that paralyzes me even before I start. For some reason failure seems to be the biggest hindrance to starting a new project. What if I screw up? If I fail, what will they think of me? If I fail, what will I think of myself? I struggle with not letting success or failure of a project define who I am.

I think when I look back on a project I enjoyed the challenge and developing my skills. I also enjoy (just as much if not more) the mundane projects that don’t require much thought but when finished feels like I accomplished something because it’s checked off of my list of things to do. I am extremely risk averse and hate being out of my comfort zone. At the same time I am feeling like I need to stretch myself a bit and try to be okay with it if I fail or can’t complete something I set out to accomplish. Currently, I can’t even figure out these old physics equations that look so familiar yet are so completely lost on me. And so I read wikipedia and scour the interweb for tutorials to try to make sense of it… but man, am I ever stressed.

Summer days

It is almost the end of summer for my kids and school is starting in just a few days. This means it is also the end of summer for me as well. The first few weeks of summer are always awesome and I’m so glad that school is over but usually as the weeks go on I’m starting to count down the days until school starts again and the kids are back in school.

But this summer has been different. I’m not ready for school to start again, to be up before the sun rises and for schedules and extra-curricular activities to fill up our weekday afternoons and weekends. This summer was filled with just the right amount of fun and busyness and rest and relaxation. We stayed over at grandparents house, played with friends, ran around the city doing different activities, hung out with the cousins, and also stayed at home. Although I thrive on routines and schedules I actually loved not having any place to be at any specific time over the summer (but I did still have our weeks loosely planned out).

The kids are also at an age where I can take them out and it not be super exhausting and draining on me. They are so much more self-sufficient now but they still want to hang out with me and spend time with family. In all honesty, I think I was the last one to wake up almost every day over the summer… it was so great.

I can still remember not so long ago where I worried that the kids would remember their summers with mommy and daddy just always feeling tired and fatigued and not being able to do much but just survive (being a family with young children). Or the time M had to be away the whole summer doing consulting in other cities and not able to spend much time with the family.

I want to remember this summer. This summer where my husband comments on how happy I seem. (A plus for him too as he voices his sentiment, “happy wife, happy life!”) This summer where my kids and I have lots of fun memories but also times of just being bored at home. I’m sad this summer is coming to an end. As I conveniently block out the times in my mind when the kids were bickering and fighting with each other and the times when I was yelling and screaming at them, I will remember this summer with many fond memories.