Too much caffeine

So K, my third kid, is 3 months old now. For the most part she is an extremely easy baby. She eats well, poops well, is constantly being pulled at or smothered by her older siblings with no complaints, and just lays around and does not need to be held at all during the day except when she is hungry or tired. I’m very thankful for her easy going nature.

The one thing that she does have problems with though is napping during the day. I know I shouldn’t complain because she actually sleeps very well at night. Starting around 2 months she was already starting to sleep 7-8 hours a stretch. But during the day she just doesn’t seem to stay asleep for longer than 30-40 minutes at a time. That just seems like too short of a nap.

Then I started to wonder if it was because of my drinking so much caffeine during the day that keeps her up during the day. Since she’s such an easy baby and sleeps well at night I couldn’t help but think… maybe she’s sensitive to caffeine in the breastmilk. Since she’s been born my caffeine intake has gone waaaay up.

When I was pregnant with J, I would drink a cup of milk and add just a tablespoon of coffee in there for the taste of it. And after he was born, I limited myself to half a cup of coffee a day. Then when I was pregnant with C, I started drinking about half a cup of coffee a day and when she born I would drink one cup a day. This time when I was pregnant with K I was drinking a cup of coffee a day and now that she’s born I probably drink 2 cups of coffee a day and then maybe some soda during the day as well. With the addition of each kid I probably worry a little less about how much I’m drinking but I also NEED the caffeine to get through the days.

I’m starting to wonder if I should give up coffee for a week or so and see if anything changes in K’s daytime sleep habits. I’m still trying to convince myself that it would be a good test and if nothing changes then I can still go back to drinking my coffee. And if things do change then I’d be happy that she is sleeping longer during the days. But I just can’t get myself to take the initial step of cutting off all my caffeine yet. I love coffee – the smell, the taste, and it’s hard for me to start my mornings without a cup.

I keep trying to find the best time to stop. Maybe tomorrow, or maybe when my husband gets back from his business trip, or maybe next week… or maybe never.

Change

Being a mom with 3 young kids, having a day off to run errands and relax is usually welcomed with open arms. But today as I parked my car in a parking garage to run some more errands I was suddenly struck with a pang of lonliness. I almost didn’t know what to do with myself but have a good cry… yes, in the car.

While I consider myself a fairly emotional person it has been a while since I’ve let my emotions overcome me like this. I’m almost always surrounded by noise and chaos and there is hardly ever a quiet moment. We’re all busy with work, or busy with the kids, busy being tired, and just busy being busy I guess.

But as I sat in my car I realized though I may always be surrounded or occupied with somebody or something I am in fact feeling very lonely these days.

My mind is filled with conflicting emotions regarding my kids, my parents, and my husband. Trying to show love and wanting to inconvenience no one but not exactly sure what that looks like to any of them.

I go to bed before my husband almost every night without hardly even saying a good night to each other. I don’t have much time during the day to talk on the phone. And at night I don’t have the energy or the will to gather my thoughts together let alone talk to anyone about it.

Something has to change. But the changes that I have tried to make have failed miserably. I want to get up early in the mornings to exercise and lose this stupid baby weight and spend some quiet time with God, but that has happened twice in the past 3 weeks. I also want to go through this 42 days of prayer with my church every night before I go to bed but mostly end up falling asleep two minutes into my praying.

And then I read tonight’s passage from our church’s prayer guide:
Ask God to heal you.
Psalm 107:19-20 “Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress; he sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.”

And maybe that’s all the change that I need to do right now. Ask God for healing because quite frankly I’m feeling a little bit broken.