Prompting

I completely lost it yesterday at church.  It was embarrassing. I was pretty much hyperventilating, I couldn’t control myself.  The sermon was on intercessory prayer and it convicted me of so much.  More than just needing to pray for others it convicted me of so much that is lacking in my own life.  My life of abundance and waste.  I felt so convicted and needing to ask God for forgiveness of my unrepentant, self-serving heart.  I felt overwhelmed as I partook in communion.

I am not a person that prays well.  I’m hardly even a person that prays.  But recently I have been feeling the Spirit prodding me to pray for others.  My life is… going well.  I am not in the battlefield and I certainly have the time and energy to pray for others but it is so inconsistent.  And today I felt God prompting me to do so much more, starting with prayer.  To learn how to pray, to learn to pray well for others, to make space and time for Him and to put my lackadaisical attitude away in so many areas of my life.  I have been given so much and yet I do so little with it.  I am so easily overcome with fear and anxiety that I can hardly take one step into the unknown.  While doing my devotions this morning I was reminded of God’s power and grace even in my imperfections and weaknesses.

Today I am hopeful.  I wonder what tomorrow (and the days to come) will bring.

 

From the outside I am living the American dream. I’ve got a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful kids, a house (and we could even put up a white picket fence), and I get to stay at home and live comfortably. I know I live a spoiled and luxury filled life and really what more could I ask for? Am I acting like a spoiled sheltered millennial (though I am way too old to actually be one) without any hardships if I say I want more? Am I ridiculously ungrateful by feeling lost and purposeless without appreciating all that I have already? Most likely.

But honestly, I’m quite tired of living this shallow life of mine. All these things do not feel fulfilling and do not fill me at the core of my heart but yet that is all I chase after these days. I try so hard to keep up with the Joneses for some instantaneous happiness that is anything but permanent.

I am feeling very introspective today and don’t want to lose this moment because I’m hoping for a shift in my life soon. I’m fairly ordinary and don’t have any awesome accomplishments to brag about but that’s okay. I’m not looking for anything ambitious in this season in life just a shift in what my heart desires. When I take a look at my heart there is no depth there. Instead there are mountains of just stuff… escape mechanisms, materialistic wealth, and vanity (lots of that) that have buried a longing deep down that has very little want of becoming unburied. I don’t want to take the time to dig through all the crap because it’s easier to just keep adding to my pile of shallow pride and selfish wants. I am afraid to go through anything that might require hard work, that might take time, and make me take a hard look at my heart. I just want to be lazy and take the least path of resistance. I don’t have the heart for it. Where do I begin when I don’t have the heart for it but the heart is what I want to change?

Bored

As I sit in the sanctuary of my church home for the past 10+ years my thoughts are distracted and I find myself…. bored.  This wave of guilt washes over me as I realize that I am not only bored sitting and trying to listen to the sermon but I am bored with my faith.  Is that not blasphemy or what?  Or maybe just an honest look into my life.  My spiritual discipline is nonexistent and my love for Jesus is lacking – to say the least.  I’m bored and I want to get out of this boredom without putting in too much work.  How’s that for passion?  I feel duty bound to the things and people that God loves and restrictions instead of freedom from the things of this world.  Every “good deed” seems to feel like a chore.  And I feel it painfully spiraling out of control. I see it in the way I sigh when there is another ministry obligation or meeting to attend.  I see it in the way where I would much rather immerse myself in trashy young adult novels and other mind numbing entertainment because those fictional worlds seem so much more fun and exciting (and I just love teenage angst and romance).  I see it in the way my heart would rather be doing anything than face what I am feeling and the guilt behind it.  I see it as I try so hard to push out any conflicting feelings I may have about my life.  Where I once used to welcome them, I now hate the tears that fall from my eyes… afraid of where they will lead me to.

Old Memory Triggered

I had a best friend in college.  But now we are no longer friends.  It’s been over 10 years now but every now and then something will trigger the memory of it.

We went our separate ways after college.  She moved out of the country and I got married.  We were still friends then.  She got pregnant and had to move back home.  We were still friends then.  She left home and moved to the same state as me.  We were still friends then.  But then she moved directly across the street from me and that is where our problems began.

She didn’t have a car so I helped her move, I drove her to her birthing classes every week which was in another state because she didn’t want to deliver in a hospital but a birthing home, I acted as her partner in the birthing classes because the father was not around, she got a job near where I worked so I drove and dropped her off and picked her up every day for her job, I gave her the keys to my apartment so she could do her laundry and borrow what she needed to borrow.  And yet as we spent so much time together we completely drifted apart.  She sorely missed the country that she had to leave, she missed the baby’s father and always defended him about what a great guy he was and a great father he was and just told me I didn’t understand.  And that was true, I didn’t understand and I was tired of hearing about how awesome he was because frankly, if he’s that awesome, why the hell was I doing everything that he should have been doing?  But most of all I felt unappreciated and completely used.  The baby father and maybe others got the praise and credit.  I never even got a thank you from her.  She started shutting me out and so I did the same (or maybe it was the other way around).  She had the keys to my house but would only come in when I wasn’t home.

Years later I heard that she said that I had deserted her.  In one sense that was very true, I had given up on her long before I stopped helping her.  For some odd reason she kept asking me for help and I kept saying yes, as if out of a want of being needed, yet we were complete strangers after a few short months and it had all fallen apart already.

When I moved to another state it was a great escape.  A breather from that friendship that was so suffocating.  I had never confronted her about all my issues and she didn’t either as I’m sure she had plenty of issues with me. We were too immature and would rather avoid conflict.

It felt damn good being in my self-righteous state because I was extremely hurt and felt justified for the ways I was feeling.  And yet God was saying to me, if I was doing these things from a superior point of view and looking down on her and judging her then it was me that needed to change, not her.  I didn’t understand where she was coming from and after a while I didn’t even try to understand her.  Because it was all about me and what I did for her and how she hurt me.  And again He spoke to me, if I was finding my self-worth in feeling appreciated by her then it was me that needed to change and not her.  It was a bitter pill for me to swallow… but necessary in finding and giving forgiveness.  And closure.

Spiritual Discipline

While my husband was away during the school year I found my patience level to be pretty much zero when I would have to get up and wake up all the kids for school in the mornings. After a few days of this I decided that something needed to change. It was a crappy way for me to start the day and it must’ve been pretty terrible for the kids dealing with my temper in the mornings.

I have heard many stories from other friends that tell me they wake up at 5:30am every morning to work out and/or do their morning devotions before getting the kids ready for school or getting ready for work.  I have also heard many talks about how Jesus (and consequently other theologians, authors, Christians, etc…) got up early in the mornings to pray before starting the day and how we should try and imitate that.  I have never been able to do that. No matter how hard I tried and how many times I tried.  Trying to start this discipline during the winter time is the absolute worst when it’s still dark out and so cold in the house.

But the mornings were getting pretty bad for us during the school week (and luckily it was already spring time) so I decided to set my alarm extra early and get up before the kids to get ready and dressed and then do a little bit of quiet time in the morning before waking them up.  In the beginning of this new routine it was totally awesome.  I was in a much better mood with the kids, we weren’t in such a rush since I was already dressed and ready and had my morning cup of coffee, and I had plenty of time to do my devotions.

This awesomeness lasted for about a week.  I was still able to get up before the kids each morning but I began hitting my snooze button more and more as the weeks went on.  And of course the thing to suffer was my quiet time with God.  But even before I was waking up later I found my eyes glazing over as I was reading my Bible and commentary and I kept having to read the same passages and sentences over and over again cause nothing would sink in.  And my prayers would just be one distracted jumbled mess.  I just could not sit still and concentrate in the mornings after the first week.

I really did enjoy getting up early in the mornings and it really helped our family get off to a better start to the day but I was really lacking in the discipline of getting up early to spend time with God.  I’m not exactly sure what to do next.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on myself in trying to squeeze a good quiet time in every morning.  Or maybe I need to add a little variety to my morning devotions or something.  Or maybe it’s a mix of both…  certainly having some discipline in my life is good for me (and I really thrive on routines) but not forcing things if it’s just not gonna happen in the mornings.

The new school year starts in just a couple weeks for the kids…  we’ll see what happens in the mornings.

Fasting – Day 3

Originally I intended to fast for 4 days but I didn’t take into account the plans that we would make for the weekend. So instead of breaking fast tomorrow night I will be breaking fast tomorrow lunchtime.

I don’t have any mind blowing revelation or spiritual “high” to share about on my fasting this time but today has been a continuation of the calmness and peace I have felt from yesterday. I think I expected to end my fast in a crumpled, broken, and emotionally drained heap but instead God has surprised me in unexpected ways. Even my husband can tell how patient and calm I’ve been with things. Things he says or does that would normally have me upset or annoyed have not bothered me one bit… now that’s a miracle!

Certainly during this time I have been more aware of God’s presence in my life and how much I need Him. Reflecting a little now, there is so much He has taught me already. One of the things He has taught me is that to repent and ask for forgiveness does not always have to be an emotional breakdown for me drowning in my guilt and shame over my sins and torturing myself over it. Because I am already loved and forgiven and there is so much joy and peace and freedom in that.

I’m not gonna lie, I’m really looking forward to breaking my fast tomorrow afternoon… I thought this fast might’ve been pure torture for me (and at times it was tough!). I started this thinking, I need time to process and confess my sins and this is something that I want to do for God and hoping He would be pleased by it. But in actuality, He did so much more for me during these few days, more than what I could have hoped for.

Fasting – Day 2

It is the end of day 2. Today was a much better day, maybe partly because I let myself have half a cup of coffee (without cream and sugar) in the morning to get rid of my headache.
To sum up today in one word: calm. Outwardly the day was not calm. With 3 kids and a dog (yes, we got a dog) running around the house all afternoon it still seemed slightly chaotic in our house which is the norm. But I felt calm and more patient and less annoyed and it felt really nice. I didn’t have any of the thoughts and struggles swirling around in my head. Maybe my brain is solely focused on how hungry I am and so everything else is pushed to the wayside. Or maybe God surprised me and gave me a sense of peace today which I have not felt in a long time.
I thought I would end up a crying mess tonight because I think with lack of food my emotions are heightened but instead the day was quite the opposite and I was pleasantly surprised… and very thankful.

Fasting – Day 1

Today I started my fast and it will last 4 days. It is a personal fast. I wanted to do this fast because I am feeling like a very unlikeable person. On the outside I am fine and can act as usual and be my cheery easy going self. But on the inside my thoughts swirl with coveting, fearing what others think, anger, resentment, regret, annoyance, and a whole host of other impure thoughts. It all culminated into a weekend of gluttony in Vegas… just gorging on food and wine and not having a care in the world.
There is this need for repenting but I have not yet fully confessed or want to go through the process and that is when I felt like I needed to fast. There is a lot of ugliness in me that I need to ask for forgiveness for that I have been avoiding for a very long time.
I have done some more reading on prayer and fasting and how we must make the effort to seek God and seek his face and not only his hands during my hunger pains and not just fill the time with other needless distractions. It is encouraged that I pray and read His Word and make every act an act of worship during my times of hunger.
Its the end of day one and I’ve got a splitting headache from no coffee, I’m feeling tired and sleepy, and I have filled my time with facebook and people magazines and other worthless distractions.
Let me tell you, Day 1 has been a flop and yes, I am hungry.

Fears

So I think I want to volunteer for a shelter that assists people dealing with domestic violence and sexual assault. Before doing so I need to fill out an application, undergo 65 hours of training and have an interview.
Part of me is very excited about this because I have been wanting to do something outside of the home for a little while now and I think this would give me a better sense of whether I would really like to pursue counseling and if this is really something that I am passionate about. But there is another more insecure part of me that is very fearful about even taking this step of volunteering. I know it sounds silly considering it’s only volunteer work but it’s been a very long time since I have done anything with structure and challenge outside of raising my kids. Because they are taking the time to train me they ask for a one year commitment and 100 volunteer hours. One of my fears is that this turns out not being something I’m very good at all or that I’m not very passionate about but still have the one year commitment to fulfill. Or what if it is just way more draining on me than I expected and end up not being able to separate the burdens I feel for others and bring it all home with me to my family?
But if I do really enjoy it, another more practical side of me cannot justify paying all that money on tuition to go back school again for a degree in counseling. I wonder if I would be okay with volunteering instead but never making a career out of it even if my husband is totally okay with it and can continue to support our family. I also have other thoughts swirling in my head about how this will change our family and our schedules (because I’m very big on routines).
And there are some days where I’m just not feeling very confident in myself. In these moments I think God is teaching me to take confidence in Him and what He can do in me and to have a little faith to take that bold step because He is there.