Moving

I want to move.  To the suburbs. But like all my choice and decision making it is filled with conflicting thoughts.
We have been here in LA for the past ten years and our friends and church community are all here. Our son goes to a great elementary school and we live in a neighborhood where all the kids walk to school together. Now that our youngest is 3, life is suddenly much more manageable. I feel like I am coming out of my introverted shell and we are able to enjoy hanging out with friends and hosting people and not be completely wiped out by the end of the day. Our small group is like our extended family, I feel like we are reconnecting into the family ministries again, and our church is finally getting it’s own building after 10 years. We also worry that life in the suburbs of OC will be too sheltered for our kids (not that we are slumming it up here in West LA) and that we will get too caught up in the academic competitiveness of the schools there.
As I write all this out life seems pretty perfect where we are and there doesn’t seem to be much reason for us to move anywhere let alone the suburbs. But, my parents live in OC and the pull of wanting to live near them is very big. I am the first to admit that I am extremely spoiled by my parents. They help us with groceries, they help watch the kids when I have appointments or am feeling sick, and M even notices how much happier my demeanor is when we are down here with them. Yes, they are invaluable to me and my kids but also as my parents get older I want to be near to help them out as well and let them know how much I appreciate them. I talk to my mom at least twice a day and she is pretty much the only person that calls me on my phone. My kids love being with my parents and my oldest even says he would like to live next door them (to which my parents say, no thanks, thats too close). Heck, maybe to round out our suburban life we could even get a dog which my family has been dying to get for the past 6-12 months.
I’m sure I would love living in suburbia but then I think to myself is a comfortable suburban life really what I want long term for myself and my kids? Will I get too swept up in living a Pleasantville life and all the luxuries it has to offer and insulate my family from the rest of the world? I can already see it happening where we are right now because I am so easily influenced by the environment around me, how much more so if we move?
My husband just gives me his look and tells me how complicated I am…

Fears

So I think I want to volunteer for a shelter that assists people dealing with domestic violence and sexual assault. Before doing so I need to fill out an application, undergo 65 hours of training and have an interview.
Part of me is very excited about this because I have been wanting to do something outside of the home for a little while now and I think this would give me a better sense of whether I would really like to pursue counseling and if this is really something that I am passionate about. But there is another more insecure part of me that is very fearful about even taking this step of volunteering. I know it sounds silly considering it’s only volunteer work but it’s been a very long time since I have done anything with structure and challenge outside of raising my kids. Because they are taking the time to train me they ask for a one year commitment and 100 volunteer hours. One of my fears is that this turns out not being something I’m very good at all or that I’m not very passionate about but still have the one year commitment to fulfill. Or what if it is just way more draining on me than I expected and end up not being able to separate the burdens I feel for others and bring it all home with me to my family?
But if I do really enjoy it, another more practical side of me cannot justify paying all that money on tuition to go back school again for a degree in counseling. I wonder if I would be okay with volunteering instead but never making a career out of it even if my husband is totally okay with it and can continue to support our family. I also have other thoughts swirling in my head about how this will change our family and our schedules (because I’m very big on routines).
And there are some days where I’m just not feeling very confident in myself. In these moments I think God is teaching me to take confidence in Him and what He can do in me and to have a little faith to take that bold step because He is there.