Anticipation

I go to a bible study that feels a little out of my comfort zone and for whatever reason I cannot break out of my shell and initiate or invest in the time spent there with the women. I’m new, I’m shy, I’m young, and I don’t speak up very much. Everyone else there is in love with the meetings and the people and have been going for years if not decades and they all talk about how much they look forward to going. It’s hard for me to get going and pep myself up to go those mornings but I made a commitment and that is what keeps me going right now.  I don’t know why it is such a struggle.  After I leave I’m always very thankful that I went and I feel very blessed by it but every time a new week rolls around it is hard to just get there.

I feel like that is a consistent theme in my life these days. There are so many things that are hard for me to get to, to show up to, to just be there without feeling a little bit of dread beforehand.  But after it is over I’m thankful and often times it’s fun or it’s been a good challenge to stretch me and I’m glad for it for a number of reasons.  But besides Saturdays when our family can sleep in it’s been hard for me to find things that I really look forward to in anticipation.  Is this normal?  Is it just a personality trait of mine?  I wonder, will I find something that I can look forward to and be excited about beforehand and not just after it is over?