Being the wife of an entrepreneur Pt. 2 – Success

Before we began this new startup life we had sat down together and talked about it. And then we prayed about it. I think both individually and together, but I can’t say I was very fervent or faithful in praying about it. More than anything I think we were very practical in our thought process. We considered the risk with our finances, knew we had to budget better, and thought we had a good grasp on the time and emotions this new venture would involve. We thought this was a good next step to take and felt that this might be where God wanted us to be in this season for us.

Of course sometimes I daydream about making it big and selling the company for a bazillion bucks and sailing off into retirement in our late 30’s. But I am careful not to covet that and hope that I would not judge our success by the world’s standards of success but by God’s. I had prayed that God would just teach us many things about Him and about ourselves in this process. And He did not disappoint. There have been moments where we feel just utterly drained and many tiring arguments and conflicts between us and with others in these few short months. But He has been faithful and brought about reconciliation and forgiveness more times than I can count. There have been times where God has done really great things for the company that can only be attributed as a miracle from Him. And when time and energy are sometimes hard to come by we are challenged to serve the other more and understand the need for strong communication for fear of a slowly crumbling marriage. Our marriage has surprisingly been strengthened after starting this company, and after 10 years of marriage we are in a very content place.

Throughout this whole process God has made it so clear to me that He just wants to be with us and walk with us in this adventure. And I have come to realize that even if this company isn’t wildly successful or goes belly up next week it would not be considered a waste at all because God has been drawing me near to Him and has taught me and grown me in so many ways that I could not have imagined if we had not begun this startup.

The wife of an entrepreneur – Pt. 1

I have read several blog posts on start-ups and it’s effects on marriage and find them all very fascinating. Most of these blogs are written by the men that are in the start-up and not too many from the wife’s point of view. It has been brewing in my mind to write a post about being the wife of one. My husband is an entrepreneur at heart (which I think is not an uncommon trait in guys). He has had a million and one ideas and a few failed tries, but after 3 kids and 10 years of marriage this latest venture is the most significant.

Everyone hears a lot about the husbands having a hard time with the work life balance. But I don’t hear as much about the balancing act the wife has to deal with as well. There is often a tension in my life between being supportive of my husband, letting him do his thing and it’s required long hours and late nights versus waiting impatiently to spend time with him and connect with him and having his help around the house. I do my best not to bother him or have the kids bother him during his “work hours” but those time frames are blurry and extremely long when you are in a startup. I sometimes feel like I’m in competition with his co-founders in fighting for his attention and affection.

This is what he loves to do and of course I want to be supportive of it. We often refer to it as “our dream” but it is really only my dream in the sense I want what’s best for him and I want to see him excited about his job and feel fulfillment in what he does. I’m happy because he is happy, not because I love the idea and the vision behind the company. His company in it’s simplest form makes mobile games… I don’t play games and I don’t even own an iPhone.

There are sacrifices to make in any startup and for him these sacrifices are made to better the company and in turn can help support our family. He is burning the candle at both ends. He is working hard and trying to spend as much time with the family and get by on as little sleep physically possible to not affect our family life. Maybe my expectations are too high, but for me it is impossible for him to perfectly balance work, family, and marriage and something has to give. And to me it feels like when work is a priority it is always done at the cost of family and relationships.

I have gone through many emotions and phases since the company started. In the beginning I was trying to be as nosey as possible in knowing his schedule and who he was meeting with and what they were planning and what were their ideas and all the iterations before the final product. I would be constantly praying for him and the company. I wanted to feel involved and invested in this company the same way he did. I’ve also swung to the other side of the pendulum in giving up trying to figure out how stressed he is over everything, don’t know what their next plan is or how their newest game is shaping up. Sometimes all I need to know is is he available to have dinner with the kids and I tonight.

This has been a learning process for the both of us and while this post has been about a lot of the things that I struggle with both internally and externally, there are many surprisingly good things that have come of this new adventure as well. That will be saved for part 2.

The emotional side of hosting playdates

“If you wonder what gives you the authority to define me, I will say it is because you exist. I must have worth, and it is up to you to give it to me. It doesn’t matter who you are; I want you to like me and I will hide my real self – with all my real problems and issues and fears- so you can see what I consider to be my best.”
excerpt from Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman

Today we had a playdate over at our house after school. Originally it was just supposed to be two of J’s friends from kindergarten and then somehow it turned into 9 kids in our house and two moms. The kids seemed to have a blast and times like this I am glad to be staying at home and being able to provide this kind of play for my kids.

M and I really enjoy hosting things at our house and this playdate with all the kids and their moms was no different. But I am an introvert at heart and at the end of it I was exhausted. And it doesn’t help that I’m always overanalyzing and second guessing myself and replaying all the conversations I had with the other moms and all the interaction with my kids and wondering what everyone else thought of me and my household. I hate that it matters to me so much what others think of me. I hate that I want so badly to fit in and for others to think well of me. It is already exhausting enough making an effort to get to know other kindergarten moms, but all these expectations and thoughts on myself hang on and drain me even more long after the playdate is over. I know it’s bordering on irrational and ridiculous but to be honest I have no answer to my crazy self reflection afterwards. I think God plays a role in that somewhere and something about finding my identity in Christ rather than in other people sounds like a good Christian thing to say. But that is something that I read about and don’t really live out and reflect in my life.

I’ve started reading this book, Grace for the Good Girl. And while I am no good girl I know how much I portray being the good girl, the good wife, the good mom, etc. I haven’t had any revelations or profound wisdom from it but it’s been an interesting read so far (i’ve only read the first 2 chapters) and the writer touches on a lot of what I think and feel.

Usually I like to wrap up each post with a good ending or with some kind of closure but for this one I have nothing and it feels like scrambled eggs. All I have are my insecure thoughts and no answer to them after a very normal playdate.