the new kids at church

We started attending a new church about 6 months ago. My kids love it and I’m so thankful.  After so many years at our old church and them complaining about not really having any friends there this has been a fairly smooth transition for them. We attended a church retreat a few months back and the kids just dove in and made friends easily and love hanging out with their church friends now. They have plugged in so quickly and they have helped me and M meet so many people and other families.  It’s always a ‘Oh you’re the parents of… nice to meet you’. And all these seemingly random people at church saying hi to my kids and I have no idea who they are. Before, my kids (and admittedly me too) would always ask if we had to go to church on Sundays and we would look for any excuse not to attend. Nowadays it’s my kids asking if we can go to church or some other event because they want to go. If anything, they keep me accountable in making an effort to get plugged in and going to church regularly and hanging out with other people afterwards. My son is always trying to encourage me and asking if I made any new friends yet and telling me he will pray for me to make new friends at church. I always answer, I’m trying and yes please pray for me.

We were at a church beach day recently and I was chatting with someone (who just came and introduced herself to me and M – so friendly) and she commented how it must be nice that my kids are older and self-sufficient. She hadn’t seen me with my kids all day. And I responded yes it’s really awesome that my kids are older and they can just run off and play with their friends not even bothering to take a second look back at me or my husband. And while that is definitely true, secretly I’m also thinking but I also don’t have my kids to hide behind anymore as a distraction when I don’t know what to do with myself here. I can look for them to keep me company but they certainly aren’t ever looking for me.

This new church has actually been so welcoming and it is such a breath of fresh air.  The families and other people we have met have just been so friendly and always inviting us to join them in all their activities. And if I’m being honest if it wasn’t for my kids I would rather just stay home and enjoy my alone time curling up with a good book and feed into my introverted self. But I make a huge effort and it’s always been such a good thing and I’m thankful for my kids pushing me to go. Someone once mentioned at church, yes it can be a long drive since people live all over LA but honestly, they all make the effort to see each other and it’s worth it.  And that has stuck with me and is always in the back of my mind when I’m on the road going to see some friends (yes, I’ve made a few friends at church – yay me).

I don’t think my kids feel new at church anymore but I still feel like a new person.  I’m waiting for when that will change. My kids have totally been my way in and I guess that’s okay for now. But at some point I’ve got to navigate on my own and feel comfortable calling this ‘my’ church community as well.

Hard Work

At the beginning of this year I hit a bit of a low point.  My anxiety was building up to an all time high with no sign of relief and if I’m honest I was probably also mildly depressed. I can’t even count the number of times I would cry in the mornings and try to coax myself out of bed.  I could function my day to day normally but I was sliding down a slippery slope and I knew that I needed to do something.  I am also turning 40 this year and this felt like a good catalyst to push myself a little and get some help and start actively working toward bettering myself.

With a lot of hesitation I started seeing a therapist for my anxiety.  I met with her weekly and it was really hard at first.  She had warned me that it would feel like I wasn’t making progress and that I would probably feel worse before I started to get better.  Then she clearly laid out a plan for how we would move forward for the next few months. Armed with those expectations in mind I dived into it.  Along with seeing my therapist I also started hiking with my dog once a week.  Getting out of my comfort zone and exploring new trails with her and hiking for a few miles did wonders for my mental health.  I also took a trip up to Napa with a couple girlfriends to celebrate all of us turning 40, and while that may not seem like a big deal for most people, traveling by myself brings all sorts of anxiety out in me but I did it anyway and it was a wonderful trip and I’m so glad I went.  I also stopped feeling guilty for reading so much and feeling like I should be doing something more productive with my time instead.  I know that I’ve read some article before about the benefits of reading but honestly I can’t remember what it said. Reading is a form of self-care for me and I just really enjoy it – so much.  I also got a prayer partner and we call each other once a week to pray over the phone.  I can’t describe what a blessing and a gift she has been. I have to admit that was not through any of my own initiative but I did agree to commit to it and I’m so thankful I said yes to it.  Through therapy I was learning new tools to cope with my anxiety and other crippling thoughts and able to challenge and stretch myself in small steps.  I took a training session to be a Crisis Text counselor and took a few shifts before I stopped for the summer.  After 15 years at our old church we started to attend a new church. It was hard being new again but I am really trying to make an effort to meet people and get plugged in.

Now that I am in the latter half of the year I can look back and see that I’m in a much better place now and I’m so thankful for it.  I used to shrug off these changes as things that happened to me and not of my own doing.  But now I am able to acknowledge that I put in a lot of hard work to get better and I’m really proud of myself.

Culinary Mysteries

I’ve been on a kick reading a couple series of culinary mysteries. I know it sounds like a strangely specific genre to be reading and enjoying especially because it’s not really books that I would recommend to others. Besides it being about female bakeshop/restaurant owners solving murder mysteries it’s all about small town life. The heroines move back to their old hometown which is usually in a rural area and small enough that everybody knows everybody. More than the mystery itself, I love reading about the relationships with their family and neighbors. I like reading about the baked goods they come up with in the warmth of their kitchen. I love the idea of providing a warm and friendly space in a cozy coffee shop/bakery. It all sounds so comforting. Everybody is always watching out for one another and stepping in at a moment’s notice to help each other out. And of course there is always the romance and love triangle surrounding the heroine. There is something so idealistic about small town rural life and being surrounded by your best friends and family day in and day out that appeals to me and these books hit the spot.

But then I watch Big Little Lies on HBO and I am quickly reminded that small town life can be pretty ugly too. My bakeshop books don’t talk about crazy school moms and slanderous gossip around every corner. In Monterey, small town life can still feel isolating and lonely, not to mention the constant pressure to keep up with the Joneses. Everyone is all in each other’s business even when it’s not wanted, digging around for secrets to spill and family life is not as perfect as they portray themselves to be.

Where I live, at times I feel loved and surrounded by friends and family, but I can also feel pretty lonely in the midst of all these people.  I appreciate my neighborhood school and the friends I’ve made there but I also struggle with the urge to constantly compare myself to the other parents. Even with no murders or mysteries here, I’m reminded that sharing life with others is both beautiful and messy whether it’s a small town or a big city.

PTA part 2

dictionary.com – humanitarian – having concern for or helping to improve the welfare and happiness of people

So I attended my first ever elementary school PTA meeting today.  And it sucked.  I hated it and I just wanted to get out of there.  Everyone knew everybody and that was fine because it is almost the end of the year and I was expecting to be a little uncomfortable there anyway.  But then the issue of homelessness in our community got brought up and I was so upset at the way they wanted to address it.  Our school is in a pretty affluent neighborhood and I’d guess the majority of families are upper-middle class and fairly privileged and wealthy, my family included.   It was brought up that homelessness seems to be getting worse and is encroaching in our neighborhood and our school. Parents are unhappy and they want them out of our neighborhood.  They want the parents and PTA to attend county meetings and write to council members to do something about getting rid of the homeless people and their tents in our area because “we have rights too, we pay our taxes and we deserve to have our kids feel safe.”   So many things said there that just made me sick to my stomach – prefacing it first with yes, it’s hard for the homeless and it’s not easy for them BUT… they are unhygienic and therefore a health hazard, they are not “normal” people, my kids are scared, the local park and library is filled with them and has become a problem, and it went on and on.  The mom spearheading this issue went so far as to say, “Yes it’s a tough issue and requires a humanitarian effort but that’s not our jobs.  Our job is to keep our family and our kids safe.”  And I could not disagree more with their viewpoints on seeing the homeless as less than. Since when has humanitarian acts been limited to only my family and my neighborhood with people who live just like me? My fiery outspoken mom says I should have spoken up. I’m sure there were probably others in the room that also were uncomfortable with the views and didn’t agree with everything.  Maybe I should have said something – shouldn’t I be advocating for something/someone I believe in?

I didn’t realize how strongly I felt about this until the meeting.  I was on the verge of tears and wanted to walk out of the room because I was so upset.  Where is our compassion?  How about just seeing them as humans and treating them as such instead of things to be gotten rid of and pushed into someone else’s neighborhood?  I hate the idea of people seeing homeless people as a threat and a smear in our pleasantville neighborhood.  I understand that parents want their kids to feel safe but that’s not the most important thing to our family.  I won’t be reckless with my kid’s lives but we want our kids to have hearts for the most vulnerable, to understand that not everybody lives like us, and that there is a story behind everyone’s lives and how they got to where they are now. We have taken our kids to Skid Row, we pack care packages and put them in our car so when we see a homeless person holding up signs we can give them a bag with snacks, water, and a clean pair of socks.  We hosted a teen in our house for a few weeks when him and his mom were homeless and “one of those” that were living in a tent on the streets.

At the same time, I don’t have another solution for the growing homeless situation in our neighborhood.  I just know that finding ways to push them out and into another area where we don’t have to see them or deal with them and let some other city/town deal with it instead is not going to solve anything.  It just seems like the PTA is taking the stance of – not in my backyard.

PS: I did end up talking to a couple moms randomly some time after the meeting and they encouraged me to continue to attend the PTA meetings. They both told me this one was a weird and uncomfortable one and the meetings aren’t normally like today’s.

PTA

Happy Anniversary

We are celebrating 16 years today. I have been with M for more than half my life now. I started dating him at the ripe old age of 18, married at 23. Now we are middle aged and have three kids and a dog. When we were young I used to think we were so similar and so compatible. 10 years into our marriage I remember commenting to him how we are so different – how did that happen?  Now that we are older I feel like we are even more different. He is spontaneous and adventurous, I like my schedules and routines and prone to anxiety.  He is a visionary, big picture kind of guy, I am more detail oriented and like to check the boxes off my checklist. He is social, I am less so. He is at ease in large crowds, I want to blend in with the wallpaper.  He lives to eat, I eat to live. And the list of opposites could go on.   These differences can cause conflict but more often than not it is complementary.  As M so succinctly puts it – different in personality but similar in temperament.  I can look at our differences now and appreciate them.

We do also share similarities – in the big things that matter to us.  We love the Lord and we love our family (dog included) and shared values that are important to us. I am thankful for him in my life. We have changed a lot in the years we’ve been together and I look back and am thankful at how far we’ve come.  I can also look forward and be excited for our future together.

Hiking with my dog

I was talking to my husband the other day about how walking our dog is becoming such a chore for me. Maybe partly because I walk the same path morning, noon, and night – day after day. Needless to say, I’m a creature of habit.  Even though we’ve had our dog for two years now I’ve hardly ventured out with her during the day.  I looked up some dog friendly hiking trails (there are a lot here) and the next morning I drove to Getty View Park for a 3 mile hike with my dog.  I was worried that it would be too long of a hike so I loaded up my phone with podcasts and my backpack with plenty of water and snacks.

It started off a bit slow because my dog was sniffing around and stopping every 2 feet and I couldn’t get into the first podcast but soon enough I found myself enjoying the hike so much that at the end I felt it was over too soon and I wanted to keep hiking the day away.  It was freeing and and refreshing and invigorating – and bonus, I didn’t have to walk my dog around my neighborhood for the rest of the day.  I binge listened to a series of podcasts and found myself weepy (as I am so prone to nowadays) and encouraged at the same time.  I can’t wait to go on another hike with my dog again this week.  Now I need to find another new trail to venture out on, because I am very tempted to go back to the same trail again.

PTA

I’m thinking about joining the PTA. Or at least attending a meeting.

I have so much free time during the week when my kids are in school. In the beginning of the school year after a whole summer with the kids I’m so thankful to have time to myself that I just indulge myself in doing nothing but relaxing and reading and running errands. But as usual, I start to get a little bored as the months go on and I start to get antsy wanting to do something to fill up my time. It’s hard for me to initiate anything and start doing something and putting a thought or idea in motion. But once I get over the initial hump then I am good to go. I spend a lot of my mornings by myself and I am actually very happy as an introvert but when I crawl out of my shell I am also just as happy because I still need people in my life.

I am hesitant about going. When my kids were young and my oldest had started kindergarten I just didn’t have the energy or the babysitters to get involved in school besides volunteering in the classroom here and there. By the time my youngest began kindergarten and my oldest was in 4th grade it just seemed easier to not get involved outside of classroom help. Now, my oldest has already matriculated out of elementary school and my youngest is in 2nd grade. By this time I feel there is an in-crowd with the PTA/super involved parents and if you’re not in it, well you’re definitely on the outside. It is hard to penetrate through and I’m not sure if it is worth the effort. I wondered if all this insecurity is just in my head. I was talking to a friend about how I’ve been feeling and she encouraged me that while there is definitely a culture within the PTA moms, if i put myself out there she is sure there are ways they would love to have me get involved. To be honest I’m not super interested in it either but at this point I’ve got to stop coming up with excuses and just do something. I’ve marked the next meeting on my calendar. Here’s to showing up for it.

Fevers and flu

Its 10:30am on a Thursday and I’m still in bed reading a book (My True Love Gave to Me – 12 Holiday Stories, if you were curious).  Next to me is my son who is asleep and staying home today with a headache and fever.  Today I am happy for his company.  Sure I could be up and about doing more this week but I’m giving myself a pass to just be.  It’ll get busier as the day goes on when he wakes up and the girls come home.

It is now exactly a week later and my son is still sick and staying home from school.  It’s been a rough winter season for illnesses.  I’m a little more tired and rundown and he’s getting a littler more restless and clingy but I am still thankful that he is home with me this week.  Maybe I also am feeling a little clingy and needy or maybe I have gotten used to him being home with me all day now. My son will probably go back to school tomorrow but it seems like God still wants me to have company because my youngest came home from school this morning with a fever of 102.  And quite surprisingly I’m okay with taking care of another sick kid for however long.  In some weird way I think God is using this time to heal me too.

Mr. Hogan

This week has been a little more difficult to shake the heaviness that weighs on me in the mornings. But what has been a surprising gift to me is that Mr. Hogan, the metro guy, is back this week.
When the metro first started running last year he would be there every day for the first few months and say hi to the neighborhood families that walked to and from school every morning and every afternoon. He was friendly and M and I would always stop and say hi as we took the kids to school. His project finished sometime last May and we hadn’t seen him since then. But Monday he showed up again with another project for the metro. We have talked and caught up with each other every morning this week and I realized that my step is lighter when I walk home and my heart a little less weepy with my short interactions with him. There is nothing in particular that we talk about but nonetheless his friendliness at the intersection of my kids school has been a blessing.

Heaviness but thankful

There is an ache and a heaviness in my heart today.  It’s a “hard to get out of bed” kind of day.  I haven’t felt this in a long while and I forget how painful it is.  I am surprised and embarrassed by the old man and his dog triggering this.  First anger and then anxiety.  Not so much that it has brought about these strong emotions but by how long the effects of it has lasted on me.  I miss my kids at school and I miss my husband at work this morning.

Yet there is still much to be thankful for.  I reached out and leaned on friends that willingly put aside their time to spend their day with me and keep me company.  I shared with my husband my anxieties and he listened with loving patience and understanding  even though we are wired so differently.  I am so thankful for my mom who has such a fierce love for me and is angry with me and would stick up for me in a heartbeat.  In all these people God has shown me in such a tangible way His love for me.  It has drawn me to my knees and in a puddle of tears but still I am grateful.  I know this is only for a short period of time and that it will pass and to be honest I’m looking forward to that too and being thankful that it’s over.